S2E24 with Peter Cervantes - Finding My Way Back To Me

In this powerful episode, I’m joined by Peter J. Cervantes, a first-generation Mexican-American writer from San Diego, whose work rises from the intersection of queer identity, cultural trauma, and the difficult — but transformative — journey of healing within communities where silence is often known as survival.

Peter shares his remarkable story behind his debut book, The Road Back to Me: Six Sacred Tools for Queer Healing Through Shadow, Breath, and Truth (arriving early 2026). During this raw and emotional conversation, Peter takes us through his journey and his near-death experience at thirty-seven and the difficult five-year road to finding his authenticity at forty-two. It is a deeply personal testament that recovery is possible, even without family support and amidst complex trauma.

Our conversation is for anyone who has struggled to honor their heritage while seeking mental health, for LGBTQ+ people of color searching for real healing tools, and for anyone ready and willing to reclaim authenticity in their life.  Peter is a remarkable human being and our conversation deeply impacted my own life, and I am so honored to share it with you.  

Follow Peter’s journey and reflections on turning pain into healing on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/peterj.cervantes/

Substack at https://peterjcervantes.substack.com 

LinkedIn at https://linkedin.com/in/peter-j-cervantes-1a9a39387 

Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/peter.j.cervantes

You can also learn more about Peter on his website at https://www.peterjcervantes.com 

Thank you for joining us and we can't wait to welcome you back again next week! New episodes drop every Thursday and can be found wherever you find your favorite podcasts!  

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To follow us on Instagram, visit: https://www.instagram.com/justdoyoupod/

Want to learn more about our host, Eric Nicoll?  Visit:  https://ericnicoll.com

Transcript

0:05

Hello everyone. Welcome to the Just Do You Podcast. My name is Eric Nicoll, and I'm your host. If you are a first time listener, welcome to the conversation and if you're a regular, I'm honored that you've decided to join me for another episode. The Just Do You Podcast is centered around a network of conversations, which are meant to connect us, to inspire us, to find our own confidence, our own voice, and to live our own truth. And who knows, we might even learn a little something new that ultimately allows us to live in the sweet spot that I like to call the Just do you space of being. Each week, I have the privilege of sitting down for unscripted conversations with friends, family, colleagues, community leaders, and influencers that all share their own personal journeys. I hope that you enjoy our time together as much as I have. We are certainly going to laugh, and yes, we might even cry a little, but in the end, we are going to know that we're not alone during our life's journey. So are you ready? Great. Let's do this. Welcome to the conversation. Alright everyone, welcome to today's episode. I could not be more excited. I know I say that every week'cause I am excited to sit down with these remarkable people every week. But I am sitting down today with someone that you are just going to absolutely fall in love with like I have. I'm going to jump right in and introduce everyone to Peter Cervantes. Hi Peter. Hello. How are you? I'm so good. How are you? I'm great. Good. Thank you so much for inviting me. Honestly. This is Of course super excited to sit with you today and have a chat. Thank you for Yeah. Inviting me. It's been a crazy month, so I'm very excited to be here with you today. Good. Our meeting was very. Serendipitous. I actually was following your partner and chatting with him and he's you've gotta talk to my partner, Peter. And then I talked to you and I could have talked, I think for about 10 hours on the phone. There was so much to talk about and so much to unpack. So we just immediately set an opportunity to sit down and get you on the podcast today. So thank you for joining us. Absolutely. I wanna go ahead and read something to you. I'm going to introduce you to our audience, but I'm going to go ahead and read something and then I have a couple leading questions to ask you. Yeah, sure. But for our listeners, Peter is based here in San Diego. He is an amazing, extraordinary human being. He is committed to transforming generational trauma into healing tools for the L-G-B-T-Q community of color. And he's a writer. He has written a book in the process, and we'll talk about this book and when it's coming out and how you can get it, but it's called the Road Back to Me. Six Sacred Tools for Queer Healing. And when I was searching through Peter's social media and watching this journey, I was really taken by his messaging. So I just wanna read this'cause I think this will set the stage for the conversation. So bear with me. For the past five years, Peter has learned that writing isn't just a creative outlet, it's how he turns pain into purpose. As a first generation Mexican American raised by a father that was shaped by this machismo, Peter grew up believing that emotions were weakness and honesty was dangerous. Acting and painting gave him brief escapes, but writing became the shovel that let him dig deep, unearthing his own story and turning it into something that could give light to the way of others. His mental health journey no longer belongs to Peter alone. It's offering to his people, mi gente, as he said and to those still fighting their battles quietly. Every word that Peter writes is for the sensitive kids who think they're too much. The adults weigh down by generational trauma. They can't name and the families repeating cycles they don't yet know how to break. This is more than storytelling. This is cultural healing. It's dismantling patterns that have held us back for generations. This is proof that pain doesn't have to be permanent and that our stories can evolve beyond where our parents stories ended. If Peter's words help, even one person realized they were never broken, just in the process of healing, then every vulnerable moment Peter shares has been worth it. So that my friends is Peter Cervantes. Oh my God. The way you just put that together, I just got a emotional No. Yeah. I just got a little emotional because I feel like these are things that I've definitely written and put out there and I am very grateful to be where I am now. But to hear it. Back. This is why I, this is, but this is why I do this, Peter. It's fascinating. Yeah. The Just Do You podcast is a conversation about what it means to be authentic, and yet, and it's making me emotional. Yeah. We live our lives never hearing, really, truly hearing how we show up for people. And so when I read that and I wordsmith it a little bit to be honest, but when I heard that and I read that, I thought. Wow, this is really powerful because it's Peter's journey to being authentic. Yeah. And we don't call out ages here on the Just You podcast, even though that's very authentic. I'll let you be the one that breaks that news. But to be an adult and to be in a position where you're now reaching out to help others see that the generational trauma that they've experienced does not define them. I've always said, we are not our circumstances. Our circumstances don't define us. They certainly shape us and they certainly have a way of creating maybe an an assumed pathway. But I wanna talk a little bit about the book for sure, but I wanna go back just a little bit since you brought it up in that intro. Absolutely. Tell us a little bit about Peter, the young. Peter, where were you born? Where'd you grow up? Talk to us a little bit about that family dynamic with your dad and give us a little insight into the young Peter and we'll go from there. Absolutely. Absolutely. I was born and raised in Long Beach, so not too far. And like you stated, I am, child of first, immigrant parents, I guess you would say. So it's first generation Mexican American. And, the first years of my life were great. I had great memories with my father and my, and living at home. And, but then as soon as I started to, when you're a little kid and then you start to come into your own I was into shiny things. I was into pretty things. And from what I, I have nice memories, but at the same time, they got very dark, very quickly. My dad was a mechanic. They were immigrant from Tijuana. They had come to Long Beach and he's working as a mechanic. My mom was a stay home mom. My brother's 10 years older than I am. So by that time I was. Six, seven. He was already working in the shop with my dad, taking on the family business. And I started to come out as a different and a little bit more creative, I guess you would say when it came to expressing myself. And those are thing, shiny cars. Shiny cars were not the shiny objects you were. No. Yeah. And so I would find myself in my mother's closet and my mother, I get, I, I do have to say she, I love her to death and her and I have had a relationship that's been a little bit up and down, but now we're great. But she was, growing up, she was hyper-feminine. So I remember watching like the novellas and seeing her and she would wake up at 6:00 AM curl her hair, do her makeup, and, pantyhose every day, high, six inch heels every day, mini skirts every day, busier every day. Like con, like super hyper-feminine. So I grew up seeing hyper-feminine and then hyper machismo. Wow. And growing up in those, in that environment and figuring out who you are and trying to realize what am I, what's going on? And then I remember my earliest memory of abuse was when I was like six or seven. My dad beat me raw and it was because I was wearing my mom's shoes around the house, and calling me names that I didn't even understand what they meant as a young child calling me Mari, just cussing me out. You don't understand these words when you're little. You can't even process them. Things like that started happening more and more. My father had his own business, was very successful. But then he started running around in bad circles and doing things he shouldn't have done. Drinking a lot of, and then got into drugs and things took a turn. And so when my grandfather died which I write about in my book he was my sacred space. He was my rock. He was this person in my life at that time that saw my creativeness and my being different as okay. He never questioned it. He never told me to tone it down. He never told me to be different. We would go TJ pretty much every weekend from Long Beach and my parents would drop me off at his house and they would go do their thing, and yeah. And he was a carpenter. He had his own wood shop. And that's where I found safety because he never. Questioned anything. He let me be me fully, whether I was being a little feminine or a little whatever it was, he never questioned it. He poured love into me. So when I was about nine, he passed away and my whole life shifted. As Mexicans we're not taught how to process loss or death or anything like that. It's one of those things that my family when that happened, I remember the day that it happened. And I write about all this, but, I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral and I wasn't allowed to see him or say goodbye. So what happens when you have someone so pivotal on your life that accepts you and then they're gone? And so after that I felt like I had to grow up pretty quickly. I had a, the wall started to come up. The abuse got worse at home, whether it was verbal, physical the drug use and the alcoholism on my father's end got worse. And so it's these things, that I was very angry about for a very long time. But even now, looking back, I don't regret any of it. And I'm glad that I went through those things because they have shaped me into the person that I am. But e and that took a lot of work, right? Yeah. And that's a lot of the reason why I wrote what I wrote, and I'm excited to share it. But yeah, one, once you start to make peace with things, then we'll talk more about that. Because I feel like it's very important for people to understand that, we are I like to call it, we are we are products of our environment, right? So we grow up not knowing anything less. Our families come from, whether they come from Mexico, China, it doesn't really matter what your background is, but they come to the US with these religious beliefs, with these already set beliefs of how things should be into a place where maybe it's not so strict or maybe not so aligned with their beliefs. And so they try to, mold you and you are molded in a way. And so you become a product of your environment. And it's really weird because I remember going to school and the kids there had a whole different life at home. From mine and it's one of those things where as a kid you. You look at things and you observe them and you're trying to make sense of things, but nothing makes sense. Lemme ask you a question. Yeah. When, that first moment that your dad started to make the comments when he found you in your mom's shoes, I think that's a core memory, right? That's a pivotal moment in your life. Granted, you don't necessarily have the words to describe it, but how did that make you feel? Do you remember? Was it were you, was there fear? Was there shame? Obviously we're too young to really know what those mean, but do you recall now looking back what that might have been? Fear and confusion for sure. More confusion than anything.'cause you're like, why is the one person that's supposed to be protecting me now beating me if I haven't done anything wrong? Pot potential, right? Yeah. Yeah. So if you're wearing something or I would wear my mom's clothes or whatever. The case might be, it's just, it becomes confusion.'cause for me, I'm playing dress up. I was a little kid. I was just trying to be cute. You're not looking at these things as I'm trying to be a woman, or it's not sexualized at all because you're so young. So when someone comes at you that way, it does create a lot of confusion. I think the confusion was the biggest part of it and the fear obviously of oh, now I need to watch myself. Because we don't know what the reaction's going to be. And I remember as a kid, I had longer hair and after that kept happening, I remember even now, which is weird because my whole life I had short hair. I would never grow it out because. There was something in my subconscious that was just so traumatized by the abuse that was caused when I had long hair. So there was an occurrence where, and again, a lot of these things happened and, I always tell people, seek professional help, because that is going to be the basis of your healing. What I share is the tools that I used outside of therapy to help me process and make sense of things. So through journaling, EMDR, which I talk about in my book I didn't remember a lot of those memories that were core memories that stuck in my subconscious. Sure. So I remember going through EMDR and I'm sitting there going, why do I feel like I'm getting yanked by my hair? And it was a memory that came back. Almost at my forties where I'm sitting there going, why am I, what's going on right now? It causes confusion again, because those memories come back from that abuse. And then I remembered it again and I felt it again, and I went through the whole process again. Yeah. Of getting my ass beat in a way. And my dad dragging me through the whole house by my hair. Yeah. And that was such a pivotal moment that I had just buried under the rug so fully that I didn't remember it for years. Sure. And so when I am in therapy and I'm going through all the processes, I'm like, oh my God. And so it's even stuff like that I was like, oh my God, no wonder I didn't do that for so long. And why I was so anti, even seeing guys with long hair would give me like, yes. This weird feeling and I didn't understand it. So it's like these little things that happen. But once you start making sense of things and for me, my healing became. My, my job, and I wanted to know why. Yeah. I went in very curious and my biggest question with everything that started from my healing journey to where I am now and what has led me here was me asking why. And I think Peter, part of the challenge is that, and I've said this multiple times on podcast episodes, is there's two things. Our parents are not ever educated and taught how to raise children. They're just not, especially not gay ones. Especially not gay ones or ones that, especially not gay ones. Yeah. But in general, parents are not taught how to raise their kids. They're doing it based on their own upbringing or what they see on TV or what they've read in the book. I think what's so difficult is. I believe in my world that every single person in this world has had an experience when they were young, that 3, 4, 5, 6-year-old self where someone said something or they did something and they were made to feel embarrassed about it. That had that same experience that you had when your dad caught you in those shoes. It could be anything. Yep. What happens though, which I find so fascinating and frustrating at the same time, is that there is no conversation anywhere in school, curriculum, that allows that to be discussed. Then we have to pack it in, internalize it, bury it, and then like you said, live through this subconscious core memory that's driving us. And then we get to our forties and fifties and we then have to unpack it all and oh my God. We have to unpack it all. Yeah. And thank goodness for our therapists and our coaches and our EMGR peeps and all the modalities, right? I'm grateful for that. I like you had a very different experience though, that was around that same age, with that same thing. And when I started therapy for my divorce four years or three years ago, it came up again. Yeah. And I hadn't even thought about it. No. And so what's so powerful about the journey that you're going through and the book that you're writing, and we're going to obviously make it, accessible and how people can get this book, because I think everyone's going to need to read it, is we need to get to a place in our lives where we can talk about it freely, we can talk about it openly, and we can have it as a conversation that allows it to pop up to the surface, get discussed, and then release it. Right? 100%. Yeah. A big. Concept within my book and me even going into wanting to write this is because I remember. At 37, this was about five years ago, I was getting really sick. I was having a lot of heart palpitations. I ended up at the doctors a few times. Urgent care, getting thrown into cold showers, panic attacks, anxiety attacks. Never had these in my life. And then all of a sudden I would wake up in the morning and not be able to breathe and not be able to function. I felt like my heart was going to explode, and I'm sitting there going, I'm, I think I'm healthy. For the most part, and I don't understand why this is happening at this age. My mom's brother, my uncle had a stroke when he was in his forties, and so I think that kind of just shot something in my brain that was like, you need to figure this out. And that for me really shook me. And at that point I was taking pills to go to sleep, pills to wake up and pills to function. I went to my doctor, they wanted me on Prozac and I said, absolutely not. This is not something I'm going to do. Because I used to work in an HIV specialty pharmacy when I was younger, and I just knew the side effects and how hard it is to get off of medication like that. So I looked for a gay therapist, which I highly recommend if you're a gay person, find someone that's going to listen to you and not judge your lifestyle. And that was my biggest thing. I was living in Utah at that time and I just needed to find someone that was going to hear me and help me and not judge me. And that can be very tricky, especially with therapists and people that you're looking for help. So I took my time and I looked, and I remember going into therapy and saying, if you think I need to be on pills, I will. Shove them down my throat, but if you don't think so, then help. I don't know what's happening and I am losing my mind. And that was the first time I heard the term generational trauma. And I didn't understand what that meant. I was like, what are you talking about? What is PTSD from generational trauma mean? What is that? What does that have to do with me? And at that time, I did not get it. And I remember my therapist explaining to me, and he was amazing, and he literally saved my life. He starts explaining that things are brought in from our grandparents and our great grandparents that are taught to them and our parents are just doing the best they can with what they know how to do. And so therefore, these. Things get brought through culturally through your family. And especially if you're different, they don't know how to handle it or how to raise it or how to talk to it. Whether you're gay, straight ba, it doesn't matter. It is just if you're different. They don't understand the complexities and so they tend to shut it down instead of trying to work with it. And at that time I was like, okay. And then I remember him saying, we're going to go into EMDR, and I feel like that's going to help process a lot of that trauma. But I remember after that first sitting, my first appointment, I went back home and. I'm a very, I consider myself a very nosy person. I want to know why everything is happening. And so I started doing my own research and I started to go, obviously we go on Google, we do all the things, and I started looking for generational trauma and what that meant. And this was five years ago. So COVID had just hit, and I feel like maybe that's what happened. COVID hit, the world stopped and we all had to deal with our shit a hundred percent. I've said that all along. All along. And I'm sitting there going, oh my God, I don't understand why I am dying. And and I don't blame it on COVID, thank God COVID happened because it allowed us to shut up. It allowed us to slow down and sit down and really figure out what's going on with ourselves. With ourselves. By the way. With ourselves. Percent. Yes. Yes, 100%. So I started looking into this term generational trauma, and it was really intriguing because I was trying to find literature from my perspective or from my voice that would help me feel seen and or heard through what I was going through. And everything I found was from a straight white man's perspective. A straight white woman's perspective that were doctors that don't understand, generational trauma can hit them a little bit, but not as intensely as it does the black community, the Asian community, the Mexican community. And it goes on and on. It was something that really just got my attention and I'm sitting there going, this doesn't make sense. You're not going to tell me what I'm feeling if you don't know what I'm going through. And I just started picking up every single book I could find at that point. All the mental health books that were out at that time. Spiritual books, religious books. I really started doing my own research and trying to make sense of these words. Even now I feel like these words get thrown around on socials and podcasts. But no one's telling you what it means. No one's really digging into, here's an example of what this means. That was something that really captivated me. And I remember sitting in my therapist office, and this was over five years ago, and he's sitting there and he's going, you should write a book. Your story's very intriguing and you have gone through a lot, but maybe it'll help someone. And I remember looking at him straight in the eyes and saying, screw you, I'm never going to do that. You're crazy. Thank you. But no and that was just something that I remember. And it's funny because we're here now. The book is done, it's getting published, thank God. And yeah it's crazy how things work once you align yourself a little bit more and and you're doing things with purpose. So my whole purpose is to bring awareness to this thing that is generational trauma and the effects that it has on the gay community especially, right? Growing up the way that I did it, it started to create a tumbleweed of effects. That later on progressed into worse things. We've all had some hard childhoods. I'm, I'm not saying mine is any better than anyone else's, that's not the point. But yeah, I did have a lot of trauma and abuse at home, which then later led me to go down the path of self-hatred and self-harm. Because I didn't understand. If this is the place I'm supposed to be protected and safe and I'm getting the life beat out of me, that means that I'm not worthy or right. Loved enough to protect. So then, I left home at 1718, so at that point I was still a kid. Not a grownup by any means and or mature enough to function in society. And I thought I was, and I ran away as soon as I could from Long Beach. I packed up my car. I went straight into pharmacy tech school right after high school, which was a vocational program. I wanted to go to beauty school. My mom said, no, because boys don't do that. Again. Little pieces of that trauma right coming through and everything I wanted to do, even as a kid, I was in arts. I got unaccepted accepted to the art institute after high school. My parents said, no, that is not a career. Around 10 I wasn't acting all through school Around 10, I had an agent wanting to sign me as a kid, actor. My parents said no, because we don't do that. And and then even after high school, when you go beauty school men don't go into that field, so I'll pay for your schooling, but you have to pick one of these vocations. And it was one of those schools that had pharmacy, tech, paramedic and all those. And so I picked the shortest program that was going to get me through and get it done and get out. That was my mentality. Because I did not feel safe anymore. And or protected or loved or any of those things. It is, it's crazy what trauma like that does and how it shapes your life as a young person. Can I ask you a question and I want Yeah. Yeah. Go. Sorry. Yes, please. So from that first moment, right? Yeah. When. Your dad found you to then, you're now 17, 18. Yeah. You're just doing what you needed to get out. So that's 13, 14 years. Was that entire time span spent in fear? Yes and no. So my grandfather died when I was around nine. Okay. And then for four years after that, it just got very bad. The abuse was just not me. It was my mom. I'd see her being strangled by my father, my brother having to intervene. I was a kid and I saw a lot of abuse at home and I saw a lot of dark things that I shouldn't have seen as a kid. At around 12, my father went to prison and that was a relief. The demons put away and it felt that way. But still, then having to have everything and having a house and cars and things. And then my mom and I ended up just, it was us two. She's a single parent at this point. She was 40 years old, never spoke a word of English, and we went to go straight, stay at a great aunt's house on her floor. What does that do to you as a kid, right? You're living in this unsafe environment. And now you are sleeping on the ground, shopping at Goodwill, and you just feel completely worthless at this point. And so then my mom and I started to have conflicts because I was angry. Yeah. I was angry, I was hurt. I was confused more than anything. Yeah. And so her and I started to have a lot of conflict, was there a conversation, this may be hard to answer, being put on the spot, but was there a conversation though that you were having with yourself? F amidst all of this trauma that had you see a different path, because let's face it, that how you survive that, how any child survives that. I don't, I can't relate to that, so I don't ever wanna make that assumption. But how, what gets you through, what gets you to get up every morning and move to the next day? What is that? Honestly, I was just angry. I feel like a lot of people retract and become a victim of their environment. And for me, I became this angry person. I wanted to rebel. I wanted to get out. I was so mad that I was just anger. Anger kept me going and it's just such a sad. Thing to think about, right? Because all I really needed at that time was for my mother, my father, my brother, anyone to come to me and ask me if I was okay. And if I needed anything. And it was that simple and that wasn't done. When you're going through this type of environment and you're just trying to get out. So for me, getting out was the only answer at that time. And it wasn't motivated by wanting to be better. It was motivated by anger, survival, and survival. And yeah I went into complete fight or flight at such a young age that I just wanted to get away from everybody because I didn't feel worth it. You don't feel that, that love and that and that acceptance. So then wanting to run away. I thought was going to be like the beginning to a fresh start. I was wrong because obviously I had a lot of things that happened and I hadn't processed any of it. And in our family, we don't process trauma. We don't process situations. I still have aunts and uncles that things happen and sweep it under the rug. And that's what we do as a culture, as a community. We don't process, we don't talk about it. Therapies laughed at mental health is a joke. And we just, women, the more that they endure, the stronger they are. Yeah. And then the men, the more you suck it up and the more you don't talk about your feelings, the stronger your error as a man. So growing up with these constructs, that's what I thought was right. Yeah. So when you're in, now, you're in pharmacy tech school? Yes. And right, you're doing this program? Yes. Is there a shift at some point? No. No? No. Okay. No. Shift. I did the program. I got out, I worked at a hospital in Long Beach for about six months. Which was fun. It was funny'cause it was the hospital I was born at St. Mary's and working graveyard shifts, saving up all my money. And I packed up my car after six months and moved to San Diego with my aunt and my cousin, and they offered me a room. And so I took it and I'm over here thinking I'm a grownup now and I'm going to do better than what I came from. That wasn't what happened. I, you don't think about these things, especially when you're a kid, right?'cause you're still developing, you're still growing. And a lot of that trauma happened in such early years when you are developing and growing. That all that time you're not, if you're not figuring it out and really talking about it and trying to do something with it, it will affect you fully. And being on my own. It gave me empowerment of some sort of just independence. But the self-love, self worth and all of those things that are very pivotal and very important, were completely gone. So then you start making choices based on those feelings. And I think that's something very important to be talked about because people are like no, things just happen to me all the time. And it's we attract what we get because of how we think about ourselves. Yeah. At that time thinking I was going to get a new start just because I had all those feelings about myself. I went down a different path, and I was very lucky to get a job at an HIV Specialty Pharmacy in Hillcrest. And I loved my job. My job was my, it became my identity in a really weird way because I didn't think I had an identity when I moved here. I was in such survival mode. Yeah. And I didn't know my queerness yet. I just, I knew I was intrigued by it. I had a girlfriend in high school, so again, trying to live what my parents said I should have, even though there was many flags along the way, as a creative, as an actress, as an artist saying, maybe you're a little bit different. So you weren't out at this point? No. Oh, wow, okay. No. So I left at 18 and Okay. I started working at this pharmacy and it became my safe haven because it was in the gate community. But I was still very confused. I knew I was intrigued by it, but I couldn't fully step into it. I remember when I got hired, I was still dressing like a straight guy in those days. The baggy pants, the baggy shirts, very confused. Very confused. And that kind of gave me that safe haven of understanding myself and really getting to a place of self-acceptance and my sexuality. But that didn't mean that I was going to make the right decisions because that self love again, and that and the self-worth part were very much non-existent. Did you have short hair then? I've had short hair. I grew it, my hair out during COVID and Okay, so here we are. I was going to, I was on you. I was going to get, I was going to get to that later. Not try to make a joke out of it. No, you're good. For our listeners who cannot see him, the most gorgeous hair. Oh my gosh. Long, beautiful hair, which was we were going to get to. Okay. In all serious. Now back to that. Yes, I had to say that. Sorry, I've been staring your hair the whole time. You're so cute. Appreciate it. So yeah, working at this pharmacy, I met my best friend. His name was Michael. And I talk about him a lot in the book because again, after my grandfather died and losing someone that saw me for me I was very lost and confused. And then I find this person in my twenties that again saw me for me, no judgment, no nothing. It was just pure friendship and such a loving space. He was 30, he was in his thirties. I was 20, and he just embraced me like his little brother. And if it wasn't for him, I don't think I've, I would've had the courage to come out when I did, because he really helped me understand a lot about the community and about myself and really had those conversations. So at that point, almost 20 years later, you finally have someone that wants to ask you questions about you and is interested and sees you. And so when you have someone like that it gives you a little bit of that empowerment and that self like. Acceptance where you're like, okay, I think this is my path, right? Did you finally feel seen and heard at that point? Yes. Or did you? Okay. Yes. And then at 21 sorry. It's okay. At 21 Michael passed and yeah, that was a really rough time. I still get very emotional about it because I lost two very important people at such a young age that didn't question and just saw me for me, yeah, he was very special. But I didn't understand his own mental health issues and what he was going through. And, I talk about it in my book. So I don't wanna give too much away, but yeah. The way that happened was very traumatic. And he took his own life and I witnessed the whole thing. It's one of those things that, yeah, when I was younger, I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandfather, but now as an adult, this is happening and I didn't wanna let go. So it's one of those things where it is just, it again, the mind fuck, in a way, just really screws with you, right? And what do you do? I was never taught how to process loss, and even talk about it. So I went straight to work. I went straight to work. They offered me. Help. And I said, no,'cause that's, it's stupid. That's what I was told as a kid, right? We don't do therapy. So I declined therapy and I went back to work, and that caused a whole cycle of continuing that tumbleweed of of disaster that led after that. That just really took me down a really dark path, because not only now am I grieving, I don't feel like I'm worth having people around. And as a gay man living in Hillcrest in San Diego, a big gay community, I'm 21 it just led me down a path of, drugs and alcohol, but. Even then at around that same time, I also came out to my father and he disowned me. So there was a lot of push coming at me, and I think at that time there was a lot of whi me. I remember having that conversation with my father and he said, don't ever want to speak to you again. You're no longer my son. And that's really, that sucks, right? Because we don't know how to process any of that yet again. Even though he was abusive, and even though he was a jerk, he was still my father. And I was trying to make amends and I was trying to have a better relationship with him as an adult. And even then, he didn't want it. So that was tough. And then I was outed to my mother. And I write about all that too. But, the acceptance wasn't really there from my family's point of view. And I did talk to my mom for a couple years. It took my, later on my stepdad had to really warm her up to the fact that I was going to be okay. But yeah, when all this is happening back to back, it just, things just got really dark after that and I was only 21. Yeah. It's that effect of that trauma from family that just impacts your life and your choices and your decisions that you make as an adult or try to make as an adult. And then the people that come into your life at those points, if you don't know how to really deal with things, it can really knock you down. I am truly sitting here listening to you with my chin on the floor. Like I just can't imagine what that's or what that was like for you. And I'm sorry that you had to experience the loss, and I'm really curious'cause I want people to read the book because I want them to have that experience and to learn and to really see the journey that you've been on and how that could potentially help them. I'm with you. I don't wanna give too much away, but what was the turning point for you, Peter? What was the aha moment? What was that had you wake up? That morning and say maybe I'll turn left today instead of turning. What was that? Or was there that moment? Yes, there was actually. I'm just, so yeah. A lot of things happen and, I share myself fully in my writing. I am not, I didn't consider myself a writer for a long time. I didn't, I don't consider myself for sure. I don't want to step into the place of I know better. So I'm going to tell you what to do to be better. The whole purpose of my writing and my book is to share my story as authentically and as real as possible, and then share the tools that I use to get better. I remember that. Point that was very pivotal, that really shook me. It wasn't just having heart palpitations and waking up in the morning, not able to breathe and going to the doctors and even them telling me, you're at risk of heart something, heart attack or a stroke something's coming. If we need to figure this out. At that same time, mind you, at that time I was with my partner for seven years at that point. And I met him in my thirties. And I think for me meeting him was a lifeline that I didn't realize was being thrown at me at that time. I was going down a really dark path for 10 years, from 21 through when I met him at 31, it was just really dark. And I speak about all of it and I speak about. My diagnosis, my HIV diagnosis as well, and I speak about just a lot of dark moments. So when he came into my life, he was that lifeline that saw me for me and never gave up on me, right? So he stood by me through some dark times as well, me trying to figure this out and all this is happening. But at that time that I was having all these issues physically and then realizing through therapy that my trauma was manifesting itself physically, and that my heart was that physical thing that was attached to all this trauma and all this loss and pain and confusion and anger. At that same time, my partner was. Like you need to do something about this, or I am done. Because every year I would push buttons, right? Every anniversary. It wasn't just happy anniversary, it was, why are you still here? It was me pushing buttons trying to get him to leave. And because I didn't feel worth it, right? I didn't feel worthy of that kind of love for someone to be with me that long, and you get that seven year itch. But mine was more of like, why are you still here? I'm a mess. You deserve so much better, right? So having those two things come up at the same time really knocked me on my ass, and that's what really shook me. And I was sitting there going, oh my God, if I don't fix this, I'm either going to die or I'm going to have a stroke and then I'm going to lose the love of my life. It's going to come, it's going to become real, because I've been trying to push it so much that now it's going to manifest itself into reality. And I sat there and I was like, what am I doing? What am I thinking? This needs to change. And that was the point that led me down a whole different path than I was ever on before. And I'm very grateful for that because I needed to hear those words from someone. That important. There's a quote that I have to compose myself. There's a quote that I have. Loved for decades. And it's that there are angels in this world whose sole purpose it is is to land on our shoulders gently. Yeah. And wake us up so that we don't miss the rest of our lives. And I say to many people in my life who have been that pivotal moment for me, they didn't land so gently. It was like a Mack truck landing on your shoulder, right? But I really believe that in those people that come into our life for a season reason or a lifetime, and I think, you were at a spot in your life, I very much believe in universe and that there are no accidents, right? And that, that, that moment in time where you push that button for what you thought would be the last time, and this person looks at you and says again, really? Yeah, I'm here. And it allows you this opportunity. At least for me to sit back and say, yeah, why am I doing this? Yeah. Why am I going down this path of self-destruction, of not feeling worthy, of not feeling that I have any value, that no one wants to be with me? Because you hear around you that you are, you're so great, you're so this you're so that, and yet you don't feel it. And so we all have, if we are willing to allow it to occur, we all have that pivotal aha moment. And so I'm, why I got emotional, I'm still emotional thinking about it, is there was an option or there was an opportunity, yeah. Of it not to go that way. Yeah. And yet, once again, here is this beautiful soul. Who has been through hell shit and survived it. And what is the greater gift that this person is? Because I believe Peter, that every single one of us on this earth, that's a little hard to have this conversation today. Especially within light of what's happened in the last yeah. Two hours. But we are all put on this earth to be of service to others. We are all here. There is no, in my world other reason, it's not to obtain wealth. It's not to obtain power, it's not to obtain things. It is literally to be of service to others. And in that last statement, if it's just one person that reads your book and decides to make that different turn, that different choice, that different decision than you've done and accomplished. You were put on this earth to do a hundred percent. And I will shout that until my last breath in this lifetime. So people get it. So I'm so grateful that this amazing soul came into your life and said, wake up. I'm not going anywhere. Do what you need to do and let's get out there and make a difference, not only for you, because I do believe, Peter, that you say that you're doing this for everyone else, that you do this for other people. And I believe that, but I also believe in my heart and in my gut.'cause I've heard a lot of stories over the last two seasons, right? You did it for you first. Yes. Oh my God. 100%. I feel like healing is, it's not about others, honestly. It is about you. So there is that moment where it has to, you have to put yourself first. Yeah. And growing up in different religions and i've been through all of them. And every scripture it says, god is within all of us and we are God. I do believe in that. I believe there is a source bigger than ourselves. There is an entity bigger than ourselves, and I believe we are all one. What really shifted for me, not just in that moment of having someone see me for me and really step up for me, was also me realizing that I wasn't stepping up for myself. And so if God is in all of us and we are God, then why am I talking to myself? Like I don't matter on a daily basis. So my journey started with, yes, I need to heal this trauma, but at the same time, where do I stand with myself? Because I didn't for a long time. For a long time, I couldn't look in the mirror and just stand there and say, I love you, and I dare anyone to please try that for at least five days. It is the hardest thing to do. Yep. But once you get to. Do that little exercise that's so simple, it will change the way you start seeing yourself and the way you think about yourself. And so for me, the healing was pivotal, but then finding myself through all of that was a journey that I wasn't expecting. It was a pleasant surprise that came out of all the darkness and all the craziness that has been my life that I found me authentically. I found my voice, I found my writing. I've always written, I've always been I love stories. I, being an actor, being a, an artist, I've always loved to tell some sort of story with my creative, and I lost that for a very long time. So once I found myself. My authentic being I for, I realized that I was a creative, right? It came back out. Everything just came back out and I embraced it all. And the journey of healing and processing trauma, it's not just so singular. It becomes this beautiful rainbow and array of getting to embrace all the parts of you. I embrace my trauma, I embrace the loss, but I'm also embracing my authenticity, my creativity. My love for others. Like I said earlier, I'm not a guru. I'm not anything. I'm just a regular guy, gay guy that went through some really dark shit. And I'm here to share that because I wanna, like you said, if I help one person through this whole journey and through my book, then my job is done. It's not about me anymore. It was about me for a minute because I needed to get to a place of. Self-reliant, self-acceptance, self, self-realization where I sat there and I was like, I would like me today. And why, what moves me now every day and why I wake up every day. It's not a thing or a place or a job, it's me. I wake up for me because I love me and I can authentically say that from the bottom of my heart because I'm finally there. So that's what motivates me to do the work that I'm doing and motivates me to keep pushing and going and do more because Im so good with me. That I want others to be good with them. And if I can help bridge that little gap of, if I can do it, you can do it too. And if I can, if I can give you anything, I just wanna give you the hope that you can get to a place of just. Loving yourself so much that you become your greatest love. And I know I posted something yesterday that really got your attention with that, but I needed to hear that too. I still need to hear that, i'm not sitting here every day going, oh, my life is amazing. I'm human. I'm having a human experience, and things happen. But in the process of things happening, I really try to step back and put things into perspective. And I go, does today really matter? Or does this situation really make a difference in my bigger picture? Because having this book come to life was a goal of me just finishing off this year. And so for it to now be picked up by a publishing company, which w brand publishing has been nothing but kind and loving and oh my God, like I was not expecting that this year and for it to be in the editing process right now, and hopefully out by spring. I'm sitting here going, this isn't about me anymore. This is about the purpose. That's bigger than myself. And something has moved me, which I believe is God, whatever you wanna call it, source that has led me to get to this place where I need, this is for, I'm just a messenger. I'm just going to be the vehicle that's going to carry this message. Our community doesn't have anything like this. We don't have any sort of publication from a queer voice of color to help our community process this sort of trauma process. Disownment process, addiction process, HIV diagnosis. I work with a lot of gay men, even now, whether they're younger or older, because I'm in that middle category where I can talk to older. Generations. And I've seen the effects of AIDS in that epidemic and what it did. But I also see the effects of HIV now with the younger, generation, and I can speak to both, but there's still a lot of shame and stigma behind it. And I wanna remove that because it is not who we are. It is something that has happened to us and we can take care of it, but a lot of people tend to take those narratives and make it their reality, and make it their identity. I meant to say so. So yeah, there, it's crazy what happens once you figure out some stuff and really just get down to the nitty gritty. Part of who you are and and then you start to love that part, and it doesn't have to be perfect. And it doesn't have to be, perfection does not exist, first of all. And also we are on a journey for our lifetime. Yes. It is not over. And I have something that I have to say'cause it in the midst of my tears right now,'cause I'm just so moved by you. I heard a friend of mine who's a healer very known, and we were chatting and unfortunately he didn't say this on the episode, but he said A guru is simply a human being with a self given title. Yeah. And I think that's really important to remember is that we all have the ability within us to find the space. And it's okay to look for. The mentor, the practitioner. Oh the therapist. Therapist. The coach. I am, I have a posse of people in my life that if I didn't have them, Peter, I would be the biggest mess. I just, I need my people. And I'm starting in on a new coaching practice with someone in two weeks and I'm so excited I can't wait'cause it's going to open up a whole different conversation for me in an area that I have hidden out from for years. Yeah. So I loved when my friend said that though, when he said, A guru is nothing but a human being with a self given title. We all have this within us to find this space. What I think is important with your story and with your book, and with your sharing and with your willingness to be vulnerable and to put it out there, is that there's going to be somebody, whether they're 20 years old or whether they're 60 years old. Yeah. Who's going to read this book? And they're going to go, oh. Yeah. Oh, okay. And see themselves, doesn't matter what side of the fence they're on, doesn't matter what color they are, it doesn't matter. No. They're going to read it and they're going to find themselves in this story. And whatever moment that is that they can go, this needs to change. There is hope, there is opportunity, there's possibility here. I fully believe that there is an opportunity for all of us to shift the dial the conversation that we have about ourselves. Hundred percent. And I thank you. Because I sit back and I think, I've been doing this podcast now for two seasons and. There are weeks where it's so hard to find guests because yeah, people's schedules change and they think they wanna be on and then they can't. And I've had people say, no, I don't wanna be on that silly podcast. And then they come back to me six months later and they're like, is there still a spot? And I go, sure. But there are thousands and thousands of stories out there that resonate with people, and it's what gets me going. I probably wouldn't have met you necessarily the way that I did. If it hadn't been for social media. Yeah. And so I sometimes curse it. I sometimes, at four, in four in the morning after the dog's woken me up and I'm flipping through Instagram, I tend to go a little down the hole, if you will. But it's in doing so that you get to see that we're all out there right now navigating this journey called life. And in a moment where we are still, I'm speaking from my own experience, a little terrified. A little fearful and a little shameful. Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. We need to connect with people like you. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. Thank you. To have had an opportunity to spend time with you and to really hear the story and put it out there, yeah. And as, as am I, I feel like this. This I needed to talk about this with someone like this. It's nice to have these conversations again. I've done a lot of writing the last five years. I've written three books which is crazy because I never thought of myself as an author or a writer even. So there was a lot of that saboteur coming through. But I've embraced it, and it's a, it is about embracing, like you said, it's just a title that we give power to. And I highly believe that. And yeah. And for me, it's not about, like I said earlier, it's not about me anymore. I want to. Create a community where we can talk about these things, right? We should be able to come together and have these conversations and see each other and be like, Hey, I see you. You're going to be okay. Don't do something crazy, right? Because I've been there. I've been there myself many times and I didn't have anyone to turn to when things got really dark. If I would've read the book that I wrote when I was going through my own. Process of things, I think I would've gotten here sooner. But again, I'm grateful for the journey that I've went on. Because it taught me a lot. I read a lot. I did a lot of research, which informed me a lot. My background in pharmaceuticals and working with an HIV community also. I bring all that with me. I don't leave anything behind. And it's allowed me to really embrace this new journey and this new path of okay, I can do this. And I'm not afraid anymore.'cause the fear is gone. Yeah. And fear is something that we give power to in our own minds. People are like what, I can't do that. I can't do what you did. You can do anything you want. You just have to choose to want to do it and not have fear, because fear is not real. 90% of our thoughts every day are not real. They're just old thoughts coming through again. And it's just that repetitiveness. Repetitiveness. But if we. Rewrite those. And we give ourselves a little bit more grace, and we give ourselves a little bit more love. It's crazy the things that you can do, honestly. Oh, a hundred percent. And for the people that you can help that's the crazy part, so you'll laugh. So I admit this occasionally, but I'm a huge Housewives fan. I can't, it's my escape. It's a guilty pleasure. I'm going to give a, I'm going to give props out to my girl, Heather Dubrow. But she said on her podcast that I listened to and she explained fear as false expectations appearing real. And I had never heard that before. Other people had said they'd heard it. And I remember driving down the street, I was heading down to Hillcrest to go meet some friends for dinner, and I heard her say that, and I almost. Had to stop the car.'cause I just burst out into tears.'cause I thought, oh my gosh. And I've done a lot of work. I've done a lot of work on myself, been trained to lead programs and blah, blah, blah, all that kind of stuff. My self-imposed guru ness. But when I heard that, I went, wow, that's really powerful. So that fear is what drives us. So I could talk to you for days, but I have two last questions. Yes? Yes. Three first questions. I hope you'll come back. You are welcome. Anytime. Anytime. Anytime you come back and chat. Anytime. Anytime. You're a delight. I adore you. You have a new friend. I can't wait to get together for coffee with you. Thank you. Yes. And chat. Second to last question, what's next for you? Trying to figure out this whole new journey, right? So this is a whole new path that I'm on. I've, I thank God I've gotten people on that I've met that are now in my life, that are helping me out. David Witchman, which we talked about before we came on he's an author as well with w Brand Publishing, and he's been super pivotal in this process and I'm super grateful for him. W brand itself has been super encouraging in this journey of, signing me, which happened last week, congrat So should enough two weeks ago. Thank you. And you're welcome. Growing the social media presence right now is my job. It's really putting myself out there and letting know pe, letting people know that I'm here and what I've created and what I've done and the message. And so from now until the spring, that is my job, is to, put out as much content. I have a substack Instagram. I just finished a website. I need to do LinkedIn. I have to do all the things that I need to do to be able to put myself in that full category. But but yeah it's just doing the work that I need to do to get the visibility and the words so that when the book does launch in the spring people have it and people can read it. And that's my whole thing. I just need to get it out there and it to as many hands as I can in our community at least. Working, I'm going to try to see if I can work with our LGBTQ plus community here in San Diego and try to get vi get myself seen in the community and hopefully do more speaking, more podcasts, more interviews. I don't know. I just wanna do as much as I can with this. I'm very proud of it. Yeah. And like I said, I have two others that are coming after that, so I'm also rewriting those and just putting myself fully into that. Really. We're going to make sure I'm, I've got some ideas for you. Yeah. So I'm going to connect you with a few people here in San Diego. Thank you. I will also, like I said, make I appreciate it, all of your social media accessible. Thank on our platform and we're going to push this out and get it to as many people as we can. My last question, and I ask this of every guest is if you could go back to that young Peter, what would you tell him about his life today? Wow. That's a good question. I think I would tell him. Don't worry because you will come out of this authentically you and a beautiful human being. Yeah. Thanks for being here today, Peter. Really, you've thank you for having me. Thank you. Ch changed a lot for me today as I start to cry. I'm known as the podcast crier, so I'm cry. I'm I got to the very end, but it's super emotional and very powerful. Thank you. I can't thank you enough and you're just delightful. Thank you. And we will also hear from your partner who's going to be a guest on an upcoming episode. I can't wait to share his story as well. Be well my friend, and we'll talk soon. Okay. Thank you. Bye Bye. Alright, everyone, thank you again for joining us on today's episode. I hope our conversation resonated with you like it did me, and I cannot wait to sit down with you all again next week. Remember to subscribe to the Just Do You Podcast on your favorite platform so you can make sure not to miss a new episode, which drop every Thursday. If you like what you hear, you can easily share the podcast and episode. Directly with your friends and if you would rate us and leave us a review, we'd love to hear from you. You can also follow us on Instagram at Just Do You pod as you go out into the world today. Remember to just do you. Alright, talk next week.