SPECIAL REPLAY! S1E18 Archer Gray - When Your Reflection Says It All

So November is Trans Awareness Month with today, the 20th purposefully marked as Transgender Day of Remembrance.  This important day, which began in 1999 honors Rita Hester, a trans woman who was killed in Massachusetts. 

Given the current climate post election and the relentless attack on our beautiful community, I felt it important to replay a very special episode that was first heard back in June.  The hour I spent with Archer not only changed my life forever, his episode remains the highest number of downloads by far from Season 1 and based off of the many supportive comments we both received, I am clear it shifted the conversation of our listeners around the world. 

So ... please join me for this special replay as I sit down with Archer Gray, a beautiful and compassionate Trans man who openly shares his personal transition story which began back in 2021.  Archer authentically shares his journey for the first time publicly during this episode and I am so honored to have spent this incredible hour with him. 

I have been following Archer on social media for quite some time and have been moved many times from uncontrollable laughter to an undeniable ugly, but meaningful cry all within the span of 2 to 3 videos.  He is unapologetically real and it is this realness that resonates with everyone who actually takes the time to get to know him. 

Archer uses his social media platform to showcase his remarkable path filled with an abundance of humor and a strong sense of his own truth AND reality!  I learned so much from our time together and I am happy to now call him a friend.  I know you will love him as much as I do. 

To learn more about our Trans community and how you too can be an ally, check out The Trevor Project here:  https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/a-guide-to-being-an-ally-to-transgender-and-nonbinary-youth/

Thank you for joining us and we can't wait to welcome you back again next week! New episodes drop every Thursday and can be found wherever you find your favorite podcasts!  

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To follow us on Instagram, visit: https://www.instagram.com/justdoyoupod/

Want to learn more about our host, Eric Nicoll?  Visit:  https://ericnicoll.com

Transcript

0:05

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Just2u podcast. My name is Eric Nicole and I'm your host. If you are a first time listener, welcome to the conversation. And if you're a regular, I'm honored that you've decided to join me for another episode. The Just2u podcast is centered around a network of conversations, which are meant to connect us, to inspire https: otter. ai And who knows? We might even learn a little something new that ultimately allows us to live in the sweet spot that I like to call the just you, you space it being. Each week I have the privilege of sitting down for unscripted conversations with friends, family, colleagues, community leaders, and influencers that all share their own personal journeys. I hope that you enjoy our time together as much as I have. We are certainly gonna laugh, and yes, we might even cry a little, but in the end, we're gonna know that we're not alone during our life's journey. So, are you ready? Great, let's do this. Welcome to The Conversation.

Speaker 1:06

Hello, everybody. I am so excited to introduce you to someone today that I have been following on Instagram for quite a while. I am sure you're going to fall in love with him just as I have. And I want to take a second to introduce everyone to Archer Gray. Hi, Archer.

Speaker 2 1:24

Hi. How are you? Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1:27

I am great. And you are so welcome. I have been following you on Instagram, as I told you when I reached out to you to ask you to come join the podcast. And when you graciously said yes I was really excited for a couple of reasons, mainly because I think who you are. In your world and in the world is super powerful and has an amazing story and an amazing journey. And I think now more than ever in the world that we're living in, especially within the LGBTQ plus community, we need people. In our community who are out being themselves, right? Just do you, it's a state of being, it's a state of mind. And if anybody reflects this, just do you state of being it's you. So I'm thrilled to be sitting down with you today. And I'm just really, really excited. I asked you to send me a quick little bio. And so I'm going to read that first and then we're going to get to talk. Is that okay? All right. So I love this. Okay. So I still can't believe you're 35. Makes me feel super old, but you're 35. Obviously your name is Archer Gray and you're a trans man who believes in kindness. Authenticity and creating supportive spaces for others. Like you you're passionate about helping people navigate their journeys without feeling alone and firmly believe that patience and kindness can make a difference in the world where judgment and hate are all too common. This is Archer Gray. Yeah. So tell me about that a little bit before we get started going in this conversation. When you wrote that and I asked you to send me a little something, what were you thinking about and how does it make you feel when you listen to how I just described you?

Speaker 2 3:12

I guess really it makes me feel proud that it's being noticed. I think the big thing is that I. enjoy that I can show up for everybody or some people. And right now, like you said, more than ever, people are not so kind. And I think that showing up in kindness, where they're going to be judged no matter what, is important. And I think if we remember to do that every day, then I think we will slowly, possibly in our lifetime, maybe see a change for us. And not just the LGBT, but anybody else that's Currently a minority. So I think that's kind of where I, I am passionate and being able to help multiple people with my job. Yeah. So

Speaker 4:01

we're, we're gonna talk about your job in a second, if you will.'cause I think it's, it's, yeah. So goes to who you are and just the kindness and empathy and the caring that you have, not only for yourself and also for your loved ones and your friends, but also those that you care for in your job. So, we're gonna talk about that in a second. But, you know, before we jumped on to record, I told you I was flipping through your Instagram. It's kind of what I do in the morning. I, I wake up, I get Earp early, I make coffee. The dog's gone out. She's done her thing. She's. And I get fixated a lot of times on these super positive, very emotional, very kind of energetically charged Instagram Instagram posts. And in one of your posts, you said something that I think really is the epitome of who you are. And it says, the ultimate flex, and you'll probably remember this, the ultimate flex is, is being yourself in a world where people live for an image. And I don't know if you remember that post, but it's in there, it's in one of your quotes in your stories. That said a lot to me about who you are and then looking at your posts and having people, the world, basically, because let's face it. Instagram is out to everybody. If they want access to it, they're going to find it. And you're putting yourself out there and your journey, and you're sharing it in such a way that was so impactful to me. And I'm a member of the community, but it was impactful to me because I thought if, if this guy can have the courage and I use the term audacity in a great way. It's an audacity to get out there and to show yourself the way that you're showing yourself in a world in which the image of the trans community in particular, that many, many people have, is not reality. Right? And if they would just sit down, here we are, and have a conversation with somebody in the trans community or somebody in the LGBT community or somebody, like you said, these marginalized communities, I think what they, I don't think, I know what they would find is that it comes down to we're human beings first. At the end of the day, we're human beings. All of this other stuff is our ability and our opportunity to educate people. And so I hope our conversation today resonates not only with the trans community, people who may be in thinking about transitioning or afraid to thinking that they're alone. We talked a lot about that in some of our lead up calls to this podcast. So I'm hoping that today serves as an opportunity to resonate for them, but also for people listening that may. Not know someone who's trans or have questions and that we offer them that opportunity to look a little bit deeper into your life. And so I thank you, first of all, for being vulnerable and being open to sharing your story. So I'd like to, with your permission, if you wouldn't mind, take us back to childhood. Because on every podcast, on every episode that I've done, regardless of what the topic is, it all goes back to our childhood, right? It goes back to our childhood and how we carry that with us through the rest of our lives until we figure it out, get therapy, whatever. Right? It's true. It's totally true, right? We are products of our environment and we have to process that as we get older. And so I'd love you to take us back if you don't mind and just share a little bit about that journey as it started back then. And I'm just going to kind of let you walk us through. to be talking about the process and I may ask you a couple questions in there, but I kind of want to turn it over to you. Is that cool? Yeah,

Speaker 2 7:33

absolutely. So this is kind of going to be a first for me. I know in my videos, I've posted snippets. You know, kind of my journey and small 15 to 30 second increments of what I was always comfortable sharing and realizing what I'm comfortable sharing is more powerful, which is why when you reached out to me, I was feeling like maybe it was time to share more in a different level that's not just 15 second thirst traps. As much as I enjoy doing them and they're fun there's still a, what is the saying, a method to my madness, I guess, if you could call it that. So I was born in a very I say very, and it's not really anymore. It was a small town in Harrisonburg, Virginia. If anybody is familiar with colleges, it's home of James Madison University or JMU. So it's usually what people say on the East Coast. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen actually looked at the school when they were going to college because it was such a big party school, but there's literally nothing to do. There. So obviously they settled on NYU. I would have to so it was a very small and still, I mean, it's grown, but small conservative town. So LGBT was few and far between. And if they existed in my hometown, I didn't know where they were. I was raised in a very religious household. So we went to church every Sunday. And I think that for me, I knew I was different at five. And I know people are like, well, you don't know, your brain's not developed. You, you know, maybe you were feeling certain things, X, Y, and Z. I knew that I was, I wasn't girly and then of course everybody's like, well, then you just could have been a tomboy. That didn't even feel right. Like even that terminology didn't feel right. I always wanted to be and hang out with the boys. And I think the best picture that I ever saw is like a picture of a brick wall and it has a hole in it. But instead of like patching it correctly and making it a whole brick wall, they're just thrown in there. Like somebody just, and I was like, this was like me. Trying to navigate childhood because I didn't fit in with girls and I didn't fit in with boys. So I didn't have many friends growing up. I think that was the hardest part was not really having people that wanted to hang out with me. I was really the weird kid because I couldn't relate on a level that most girls were at that age. And then I couldn't relate to boys because then I was still a girl. So the boys didn't want to hang out with me after a certain age either. So I think it was feeling hopeless. And I think the hopelessness comes from not having any terms, any books. There was no internet really at that point in time. I mean, we had AOL dial up, but I didn't even know what to Google. let's

Speaker 10:27

just

Speaker 2 10:28

for clarification

Speaker 10:28

purposes, let's just say you're in your late thirties. Right? So we got to put this in a contextual late thirties. Okay. So Google it. There was no Google. I got it. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 10:37

Yes. None. So there was none of that there, you know there was, I mean, and not knowing what to look for, I think made it hard because then I couldn't really ask my parents, you know, I couldn't put words together for what I was feeling until I was about 14. When I was 14, I was just like, I like girls. And she's like, no, you don't. We all like girls, you know, we all are jealous of like girl spots and, you know, we all want to look like her or whatever, you know, whatever. And that wasn't it, you know, but I didn't have the ability to go deeper. And I don't think my parents had the capability to understand if I could have. So I really just kind of went through the world as a very dark place. It was very dark. I tried to make my own happiness. I tried to be happy and many photos that I see of myself as a child, you know, you know, you can smile, but you smile differently when you smile with your eyes that anybody can kind of fake being happy or one of the quotes. Nobody actually fakes being depressed. They fake being happy. So, I was a difficult, is I guess the best terminology to say, a difficult child growing up, because I feel like children act out when they're unhappy, when they don't have language for why they're feeling a certain way. So there was a lot of times where I was in therapy for being depressed and being sad. And, you know, my mom being like, I don't know why you don't fit in. I don't know why you don't have friends. I don't know why, you know, all of this is so hard for you. And at the time, I didn't either. But I, I knew I wanted. I fit more on the masculine side. You know, I was jealous of my, my brother and I didn't get along for the simple fact that I think I wanted to be him. And so I would always fight with him. Like he got to wear the cool suits and I had to wear this Easter Sunday dress that was terrible. You know, you can imagine right there. I can imagine

Speaker 12:47

just by your facial expressions, what that was like. Yeah.

Speaker 2 12:51

Yeah. And he's getting to wear the three and four piece suits. To, you know, to Easter and I, and I couldn't figure out why I, I, I mean, for lack of a better word, hated him so much, you know, just hated that he was getting to experience the world and childhood in a way that I was not. And I couldn't figure out why I was mad about it. And so it wasn't until I was about, you know, 18, 19, that I was like, I think I just like women. So I kind of came out as bisexual. Cause that's the I guess stepping stone and in my town, again, nobody was, I was the first person then within my friend group, which was still very small. But once I got older, I was able to mask I was able to mask everything. You know, I guess I was able to, I kind of grew into myself. I went to the gym. And I just let myself be whatever that was, and I just worked on really being happy. And I had goals. I was studying to transfer down here to get out of my hometown. So I was initially going to be a marine biology major, and everybody's like, well, you might want to go to a beach city because You need the ocean, but then I found out I get seasick. And so obviously I had to switch majors. Yeah, but I wanted out of my hometown. So I was kind of just let me go to the gym. Let me study and let me leave. What's my goals.

Speaker 14:18

Can I ask you a question before we go on? Cause I, I know the next step is going to be obviously 18 and above when you were back in school. Obviously struggling with Not knowing where you fit in. Obviously parents were struggling with how to help you probably school teachers, counselors, same thing, trying to figure out how to help you. You're experiencing this, let's call it what it is, depression, right? Even though there was probably not an identifier at that point, feeling all these feelings of not knowing how we fit in or how you fit in, if you don't mind, just, Tell me a little bit about what that felt like. And the reason I asked the question is because I often wonder that as a gay male. Right. Came out 24 when I was in school, didn't feel like a fit in either. Why did I like the boys? Why did I like my teacher? Why did I like my girlfriend's dad? I mean, like all of those questions that I had, and then you feel like you don't fit in. I have to imagine I'm obviously not other races. I'm not other types of, you know, kind of descriptors or describers, but I think we all go through that. And I just wonder for you, what was that like? on a day to day basis, knowing that you were struggling to find the words and the community and that kind of, of, of love and acceptance that you were wanting to have. Just, can you just share a little bit about that, what that was like before we go on? Because obviously the story has a really, really happy ending, right? Great ending because you're sitting here with us today, beautiful man, absolutely out in the world, kicking, you know what? But let me know how that felt a little bit, if you don't mind.

Speaker 2 15:56

I guess for, for me, I mean, there was a mixture of just very dark and hopeless and that was my day to day, mostly which might have led to, as I got a little bit older in like middle school and high school, why I didn't make friends as easily, because they could tell, like, nobody wants to hang out with the sad kid, so, you know, I did some sports and I tried to fit in as far as clothing, but I think what it comes down to is it's not just what you look like clothing, you know, that helps that helps with confidence and I was never comfortable in what I wore, but I knew I had to wear those clothes, if that makes sense. But it still was within my own style. It was still kind of like the t shirts and then the jeans and, you know, but the other girls were in the spaghetti strap tops and the short shorts and you know, their makeup done and their hair done. And I tried. I did. I tried. And I'll never forget. I did. I had two friends in high school, really, just like two best friends. And they were a year younger than me. And I remember I, you know, Tried to be girly. I tried to pretty much be a girl. And so I straightened my hair, you know, one day and took forever. I had really long, very thick hair. And it took me over an hour, you know, to blow dry it and straighten it. And I came to school and I was so proud. And she literally looked at me and was like, Did you blow dry your hair? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I did. Did you straighten it? And I was like, yeah, I did. She goes, it looks horrible. I need you to put it out, you know, and I'm grateful that I had that honesty with her. But it was just so, it wasn't disheartening. It was just that it just didn't, it just didn't fit no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much time and effort I put into it, you know, my makeup at some point I got better when I hit college, but The feeling of failing. Maybe that's the best thing. I felt like I was failing at life, like I was dealt these, this is who you are, you're a girl, and why aren't you fitting into how these girls are doing life? And there's a different set of girls. You have your tomboy girls and you have your girly girls, and you have these girls. And I didn't fit into any category. So when people are like, well, you know, you could have fit in. Like you didn't have to be a girly girl. You could have been a tomboy. No. Like, from each category of what you have your women and how they show up, I didn't fit in at all. I didn't fit into any of those categories. And so I'm like, how am I failing on every single level of what it takes to be a girl? How is this so hard?

Speaker 18:30

Yeah, I think it's interesting when you say that, because again, when I have conversations like this, and we go back to this age, and we look at kind of what we're thinking, what our thoughts are, we're not fitting in, we're not this, we're not that, why aren't we this, how come I'm not that, and there is no languaging for it, there is no education for parents, Maybe now better back when I went to school when you were in school, not so much. And I think it takes an amazing amount of resilience for kids of our age range. I'll put it there a little older than you that there had to be something in the back of our mind, or there had to be something in our, in our internal monologue that said all of that, but there's something Else out there, there is a solution. There is something for me down the road. I would think there would have to be for most people, that opportunity or that conversation to have. So I'm, I'm always curious, you know, when, when I talk with people about the conversations they had with themselves as, as, as young people, what that was really like, I know what it was for me, I was not going to get found out. Obviously that I was gay. My mom was a teacher in the school. I didn't live in this little beautiful suburb on the East Coast. I lived in, you know, a suburb of Los Angeles, a little bit different, but it was still the same thing. I couldn't wait to get out of high school so that I could maybe figure things out. Afterwards when I was in college when I was out of the house. And it was that hope that one day there'll be an opportunity in a clearing for me to figure this all out, because there was no way I was going to run around, admitting that I was in love with my best friend. You know, there was just not an opportunity. I knew that I was born. And I liked men. But again, same thing. There was no languaging for it. Why did I like the guys that were in the JC Penney catalog? I didn't understand that, you know, in the bathing suit and underwear ads. I didn't know. I didn't know. It was so confusing. So when I look at what's happening now, there's, you know, And in today's world, there is so much more information. There's so much more accessibility to support, but we're still failing our trans and our other LGBTQ students and kids. So you were kind of ramping up to about 18 in college. So go back to there if you don't mind, and you can finish your story. Thank you for letting me break into that conversation.

Speaker 2 20:58

Well, I know I think you had said kind of where we have these like moments where we feel like we can show up. And I guess mine was, you know, mine was after I thought about ending my life, you know, I had those thoughts where I was like, it would just be easier. And then for some reason I had my big one was I wanted to drive my car. I was like off the road. I've had a bad day. My friends had left me. I felt utterly hopeless and just like there was nothing left. But I was like, if my car accident isn't bad enough to kill me, what would happen? You know, and to have those thoughts at 16, 17 years old and realize in that moment, okay, I don't want to do that. So what can I do instead? And I think I had a really hard moment with myself in that moment and was just like, I'm going to start just accepting whatever this is. So that's when I was like, I think I might just be bisexual. I like women. So let me figure out that route. And just try and be happy that way. And that took a lot. A lot. Cause nobody, I had nobody to talk to about it. Nobody to talk me through it. Nobody to go there with me. My parents, not at all. So again it was, Figuring it out by myself. Really having to sit with myself, and I did that night. I think I really sat there and was like, this isn't what I want. I feel like there has to be more somewhere, somehow, I don't know, one day, maybe, we'll find out. Was pretty much my conversation as I cried with my miniature schnauzer dog next to me, you know I was the favorite, so everybody was mad about that, but I guess I have a thing with animals, I don't know not people, but, so, I think that was my turning point for me to try and come back and feel like, how can I do this? How can I fight for whoever I'm supposed to be and figure it out? And so I did. And I came out then as bisexual, which of course at that time frame, all the guys were like, oh, that's awesome, you know, and it's like, yeah, but still not. No. and so then it very quickly turned to I am not. You know, bisexual, I am, you know, lesbian then. So, I only like women. I moved down here. I got away from my hometown. And was able to experiment a little bit more. I felt like I could go back into wearing masculine clothes where I felt the most comfortable. And then I remember wanting to cut my hair. I, I always just wore it up in like a messy bun. There was no real trying, like I would wear it down occasionally, but I hated it. I hated trying to, it was a really, it was a really deep layered mask that I would have to put on every single day. And so even if I took one off, there would still kind of be one on. So having to do my makeup and doing my hair and wearing these girly clothes was not me. And I remember moving down here for school, and the easiest job, I say easiest, it's not easy, was being a server. I'd never been a server before, ever, and my first job was Texas Roadhouse. Well, you know they line dance at Texas Roadhouse, right?

Speaker 24:21

Okay.

Speaker 2 24:22

So I was this girl with all of these other very girly girls trying to serve and line dance, and I remember my very first table was a group of cowboys, and I didn't hit on them. Because they're not my style, like not attracted to men. But also it was my very first table I'm trying to fit in. I'm trying to make these friends and because I didn't hit on them, everybody noticed. And so within eight hours of that first shift, the girls were mean to me. I haven't, it was singled out in there's something wrong with you. Like, why wouldn't you hit on a group? You know? So then it kind of came out that. You know, this person's different, you know, she doesn't fit in, she doesn't have friends and I was trying out, so I had school and so I only worked on the weekends really, I would work like doubles on the weekends and do school and class throughout the week. And I remember coming in one day and this woman looks at me one of my teammates and she was like, Oh, I'm glad you're here for your one shift a week, we know how busy you are. Like, I was like, Wow. So not only did they hate me, but I didn't fit in, in their world. So then they made my life miserable for about eight months until I actually just quit. And I've never quit a job in my life. Like usually I'm like, I've moved or I've been like, I'm going to leave and quit. And so I think that was kind of my defining moment because I had come out as. A lesbian and they were not kind and that was here in a more progressive area.

Speaker 3 26:08

So

Speaker 2 26:08

then I kind of went back into my shell a little bit and was kind of like, I don't really know how to explore how to be myself here. And then I was like, I quit and was like, I'm not going to let people like that. dictate who I am. So I went back into my more masculine clothes, what made me comfortable. I had done a couple of job interviews in girl clothes. And I guess in the moment, like you're, you can tell based off what people wear and how they show up if they're comfortable. And so I'm like, you know, they never called me back and I had experience at this point. So finally I went and bought myself a suit, a male suit. And I cut my hair and I went in and I just, it was just throw darts and see what happens. And I had Cheesecake Factory and Dave Buster's. And I was like, you know what, we'll see which one happens, whatever, walked in. And those were the two best interviews that I've had. I got hired on the spot for both.

Speaker 27:09

Okay, so hold, stop there for a second. So, why do you think that is?

Speaker 2 27:15

Cause I knew I was actually comfortable. In the male suit, more than trying to force myself to be comfortable in feminine suits, or feminine clothing, or feminine just anything. And so when you're trying to fake being this person in a suit or clothing right now that you're uncomfortable with, people pick up on that. And I think they pick up on that very quickly. So it's, it's the same concept. When I was comfortable in what I wore, And I felt at home in my clothes again, finally, then the real me came out. And so then the real me was answering these questions. There was no uncomfortableness. There was more of the confidence in the, I know who I am and what I can bring to your position, which is what then they wanted.

Speaker 28:07

So you have another quote in your vast array of quotes on your Instagram story that says, that says, figure out who you are and then do it on purpose. So was that the moment that you figured out who you were and then did it on purpose?

Speaker 2 28:26

I did. That was the start. That was my start.

Speaker 28:29

That's what I'm saying. Was it the start? Was that the moment that you went, okay, I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to feel it because I think the contrast to that moment when you put that suit on and you walked in, I mean, you were still. Female, right. And lesbian identifying you walked into that job interview in a male suit, felt empowered and did your thing. So there's some really kind of key moments in this for our listeners in that. I think I don't think I know too many times to people who are maybe unaware or uneducated about the LGBT community and what we go through in terms just of our daily lives and figuring who we are and how to have that confidence. Always have to put a description or label on the community, how we identify and all those things when it's impossible for anyone else. Even your parents, your siblings, your best friends, the people that you are around most, to understand what it feels like when you put on that suit and you feel like who you are. For the first time, that's what I want our listeners to hear. Because it's not about, I don't want to say this, it's not always about the sexual ness of the dress. our genders and how we identify and what we're going through. It is about how we feel comfortable in our own skin. And that's a personal journey for each and every one of us, right? So we're all different. Your experience is different than another transgender person's different. My experience was different than another gay male, right? So that's the thing that I want people to hear. And so when someone said to me I interviewed a gal the other day, who's running for school board, and I think I told you this in our kind of lead up call. She said, if an LGBTQ person has one person in their life or one opportunity in their life to be seen and heard, it reduces the suicide rate by 70%. That's huge. So I'm so grateful that you had that moment when you put that suit on. I had an instant flash of your brother and I went, I'm going to show you who can wear a suit. Dude. So I'm super glad that you found that opportunity because I wish that I could have been there in that moment to see the smile on your face when you walked in there and just nailed it. So congratulations on that. What an accomplishment and what a life changing moment for you.

Speaker 2 31:09

It set the tone for everything else.

Speaker 3 31:11

Sure. Sure.

Speaker 2 31:13

So That kind of set the tone for me really kind of being like I, you know, I still had the, what do I say, like the uncomfortableness of my skin. I guess the way that I tried to describe it even to my parents before is the have you ever had like nails on a chalkboard and you kind of get that feeling where you're like and it hits you in the back of your teeth. Imagine that times a thousand every day when you're in the wrong body. So, but it's kind of like, you can push it to the side, you can work on other things, you can kind of still focus, but it's still like that, just nagging, like just irritating, something's not right. And it was always just, sometimes I would push it to the side and then it would kind of come back up. But I was able to, at the Cheesecake Factory, our uniform was, Black pants and a tie, you know, and so I Got to wear a tie every day to work like it was fantastic. And so I just really was like, okay I'm just settling into this very masculine lesbian role, you know that there was That was just kind of my role and that was kind of where I stood and where I stayed and I'd had many girlfriends at this point and most of them, all of them, left me for men. So I was kind of like, they were all the bisexuals that would literally leave and then the next person, I felt like good luck, Chuck, but for like lesbians or bisexuals that were unsure that they would like be with me and then the next one was the guy that they married. I was like, okay, well, that's fine. So I kind of developed a little bit of a hardened, you know, skin with that, but it was just like, I can't be mad at that. If I'm not what you want, I'm not what you want. And that took some time and healing in and of myself to understand as well. And I think going through and being able to finally, feel good and how I showed up with my clothing mattered, but there was still something missing.

Speaker 33:09

Let me say before you go on, let me just say one more thing. I did not ever want to belittle that process, right? When I was saying, I was so glad that that was that turning point for you. It was the first turning point there. You've had several in your life. So I am not by any means, you know, discounting what you're about to go through on this journey as you're going to share with us. So please understand that that was not meant to be like, We're all good. Now. I would say that was

Speaker 2 33:31

the easy part. That was the easy

Speaker 33:32

part, right? It was the easy part. Seriously. It was, it was. Okay.

Speaker 2 33:38

But it was, it was, it was owning a level of confidence I'd never had. And I didn't realize that an outfit could do that. And so when people are talking now about our young transgenders and that they're thinking, oh, they're just going out and having surgery or, oh, they're just getting hormones. And I'm like, no, they're getting close. They're getting, you know, Their pronouns to be respected. They're getting their name that they've always wanted to be called. That's what they're getting is like the real youth of transgenders. And that's where I'm like, if people can understand the power of clothes that can make somebody go from wanting to possibly end their life, to being the most confident person in the room, I will buy suits for everybody. I will buy cargo pants for everybody. White, whatever it is. I would buy them for him because I'm like, that's the thing that I think we make a bigger deal about thinking that, oh, we're just encouraging it. It's clothes. Truly. At the first part, it is. And that goes for anybody. I mean, I'm sure there's been an article of clothing that you would like, love if you wore to any Pride event, that you're like, I own myself in this outfit. It's like your lucky outfit, almost.

Speaker 35:05

100%.

Speaker 2 35:07

And so it was kind of playing for that. And I think that that was my like, aha moment of, I didn't realize this person existed yet. It was, that was a moment. And I liked that one, but yeah, I got both jobs and I settled on cheesecake factory in case anybody was wondering. So I worked there for five years. While I finished school, I have my bachelor's in healthcare management, and then I have my master's in business with a concentration in healthcare administration. And I don't use it at all. I work in hospice. So my next big moment for me, and I joke now, my boss is one of the best bosses that I've ever had. She's an amazing human. And I remember that how this job landed kind of in my lap. It was kind of one of those opportunities that was like, my brother met the divisional, and she came down and was like, Oh, I, you know, like her. She, well, I like her. We'll do an interview. And my boss was the one that that was not her made any sense. So she's of course, like, I'm not going to have anybody tell me who I'm going to hire. Cause she's like, you're going to hire this person. And I'm like, no, I'm not. And so then I walk in, I had a full suit on again for, you know, cause it was my big girl job. And then I was finally interviewing for, had a full suit, and she said, I walked in and sat down and halfway through the interview, she goes, Oh, my God, I'm gonna hire her, like, I guess so, you know I've actually been good friends since so I mean, she's my boss, but also like a friend, but we definitely align in what we share. And so I work in hospice. And I am the liaison or the marketer in hospice,

Speaker 37:01

Again, was totally moved when I heard that. cause that's a really special, special place to be. I've been through a situation with hospice once before and it's, it's definitely life changing for the people who are dealing with that potential loss of a loved one. So thank you for doing that. Super, super important and takes a special person to do that. So thank you for, for being that, that angel. Do you think that how you grew up and what you went through. Kind of, as you said, didn't use your, do we, do any of us use our degrees? Do we? I don't think so. I don't know. No, no. So do you think that that kind of experience that you had maybe guided you a little bit towards this kind of career?

Speaker 2 37:44

I guess if you want to, I think maybe because I don't think everything happens by accident all the time, you know, everybody's like, Oh, just right place, right time. But I see it more as you're where you're supposed to be. And that has happened multiple times, you know, especially like within my field with my nurses, my administrator, you know, just you were meant to be here at this moment. Instead of kind of, I don't know that anybody would call it luck that you get a job in hospice that falls into your lap. But I think it was where I was meant to be. I enjoy helping people to a point where they can understand something. And maybe that's why I fit in so well, because I try to help people understand now being trans and understanding how we're human. And yes, we're different, but there's a level that you can go through. We're all humans. And at the same time, I'm helping people understand what hospice is. Because most people are like hospice. They're not dying today. And I'm like, I know, let me help you understand what it is and how I can help make them comfortable. The best thing I think our main focus is you don't get a do over. And so you don't get a do over in hospice. And that includes the patients, if they are alert to understand what's going on. But as well as the families. So if you don't get a good hospice experience, that's what you're going to remember. That's a core memory. That's a core value that you are going to take with you forever. And you are hopefully, and what you should have, is a good one. Because that hospice nurse, if she's having a bad day, she needs to leave that at the door when she walks in because her bad day is nothing compared to what she's about to walk into. So I feel like that's in life. You don't get a do over. So why, why am I going to sit and be miserable in my own skin as who I am pretending to be comfortable for everybody else, you don't get a do over. And this is my experience. So even though mine's a little bit more of a bigger journey than what this moment is, I think it still comes into the same, the same play, the same, the same direction.

Speaker 39:57

So that was a good transition. You set that up very well. Thank you. Cause let's, if we can, let's go down this conversation just for a little bit, this side of the conversation. So here you are going to interview that job suit. She's like, I got to hire this guy for sure have you gone through the transition yet? Have you started your process? We aren't even there yet, right? No,

Speaker 2 40:20

no, this was five years ago,

Speaker 40:22

right? Because if I can say that, yeah, because I was gonna say, if I can say in flipping through your Instagram and watching your story and your journey, this all started your, your transition started 2019. Yeah. Am I? Yeah. So not that long ago. No, no,

Speaker 2 40:40

no. My journey. So I started doing hospice in 2019. Sorry. I started doing tick tock because COVID and Instagram. And so I was just like, I wanted, my goal then was still, you know, the LGBT was not in a great place.

Speaker 3 40:57

Right.

Speaker 2 40:58

And so bringing recognition to, we are all humans, even if you're a mask lesbian, which was, My persona in that moment, that's where I was trying to still empower, still the community to show up for each other. My actual transition started in 21.

Speaker 41:16

Oh in 2021, that's right. So

Speaker 2 41:18

I

Speaker 41:18

came out. Okay.

Speaker 2 41:21

So. I was full girl when I did this, well. masculine, lesbian when I showed up. So they knew me as, you know, one whole person before.

Speaker 41:31

Sure. So our listeners will obviously not see you sitting here talking with me. They will when it hits YouTube, but You know, you were, like you said, starting that in 2021, that's a, I'm even a little surprised at the transition results from 21 to 24. It's remarkable sometimes. Yeah, it's remarkable. And it's also such a beautiful journey. And the way you put it out there, you said the word thirst trap. I didn't say it. You said it. So I'm going to repeat your words. Is it's the first thing that caught my attention when I, I remember how I came across your, your profile, your, your, your page or your feed. It just popped. And I don't remember, doesn't matter what I was so taken by was, and I told you this earlier, was this confidence because you are putting it out there and you are doing it in such a way that is approachable. It is understandable. It's real. It's very authentic. It is very vulnerable in moments. There are moments that are. You know, have made me cry and had me feel for you and also feel empowered for you and by you. And then there's some funny ass moments that are some of my favorites. I'm going to actually close the conversation, something just, again, I told you earlier, just made me giggle, but I want to get back to all seriousness. And I, I, I laugh about it because I just. Look at you as this amazing human being, this amazing guy who was out there to change the world and you're sitting out on the East Coast and you're doing this job that is so beautiful and so brilliant. But I don't think, and I'm going to assert, that you really feel the impact, Archer, of the difference you're making. And the paradigm that you're shifting by your Instagram posts and by this podcast, listen, we're not listened by hundreds of thousands of people yet, but you're out making a difference. And I honestly don't think in your humbleness that I so experienced with you the last couple of times we've talked, you have any idea of what you're, of what you're doing. to the world. And so I'm going to tell you what you're doing, and I'm going to have other people tell you what you're doing. Because I wish everybody could have the opportunity to just sit down and chat with you and have a conversation. Because I'm telling you this, they're going to walk away feeling completely different about a conversation that they've had with themselves that, sorry, there goes the dog conversation that they've had with themselves that is just not based in any sense of fact. Or reality. And so by you showing yourself, showing your scars, showing your body, showing your humor, showing your vulnerability, showing your realness is what's going to make a difference. And if there was an opportunity to show this to the world and show the others that are out there going through the same transition, going through the same journey, whether it's male to female, female to male, whatever the case and conversation may be, if they felt as empowered as you do, and the people listened with an open heart. and watched with an open heart and an open mind. This may be Pollyanna of me, but I'm pretty clear that the world would be a different place. Because I remember someone, she's a fellow podcaster, she's also a little fan on Real Housewives of Orange County, a little girl, Heather Dubrow, and she said on one of her podcasts, I follow it religiously, that fear is false expectations appearing real. And when she said, I'll say it again, false expectations appearing real. So this false narrative that people have about our community, and then how that kind of rolls into so much misinformation, so much misunderstanding, so much judgment doesn't allow the archers of the world and the others that are going through their own journey to fully express themselves and show up. As who they are. And so who you are, and as I said this again, I'm gonna say it again, is somebody who's making a huge difference. So I'm gonna say it'cause I want you to take it in.'cause I see your little smile. And I know that's hard for you, but I'm super impressed by you and I'm so grateful to you for coming on and talking about your journey. And this was just kind of a, a bird's eye view, right? It was a snippet of time. Because your journey is still ahead of you. My journey is still ahead of me. We all have this beautiful thing called life that we have to live. And I will say two things. And then I have another question, couple questions for you. And I say this to a lot of my guests and it comes from the heart and it comes from a place of authenticity. And that is, is the world is a better place because Archer Gray is in it. And I can't imagine what life would be like. Without you and without you sharing and spreading your joy and your love and your commitment to your own community and to helping people see themselves for who they are. And so thank you for that. When you got a couple more minutes and then I want to just kind of bring this. To a close, but when you were going through the process of deciding to go through the transition, right? And the therapies and the surgery and all of that, did you hit that with as much confidence as you found when you put that suit on? Does that make sense? Like, was it just, I'm going to do this and let's go because you had maybe waited for a while to do it? Or was there still a tentativeness in that process for you?

Speaker 2 47:28

There was a little bit of hesitation. There was definitely the, the confidence behind that. I knew this is what I needed. So for me to fully come out was I have a couple of my own mentors and guys that I have followed that were lesbians as well. And I was watching. They had started. We all kind of was around the same time. And I'm like, why am I? Why am I jealous? Not happy, you know? And I'm like, I am happy for them, but why am I jealous? And then it was like, because that was the moment where like, it took that long for the language to drop for me. And I think that's where. Transgenders had been mentioned, but it was like, no, I don't think so. But I always wanted everything that would make me trans. So it was very much, I was scared. I wasn't really sure. I did a lot of research before I came out in July of 21 and I didn't start testosterone until November. And that was me doing my own research, but honestly, because it's not easy to just. Hormone replacement therapy and I was 33. So the like you said the false information that people are just going out and getting it like it's Ali,

Speaker 3 48:48

you know,

Speaker 2 48:48

exchange is not happening, especially, you know, with young, younger kids, you know, they questioned everything. They made me have this kind of therapy and this kind of, you know, and again, I was 33, so they still made me jump through hoops, but I, Was terrifying. Was I making a mistake? Is this really who I was? And it really took a lot of therapy and sitting in my feelings to realize that yes, this is everything that I wanted and having the changes that were slowly starting, truly seeing myself start to change. But It took about a year, you know, I didn't really have much changes. You know, the, the voice was cracking, going through work the way that I did in the public eye was one of the hardest things that I could go through, I think. And. I'm very fortunate for the job that I have and that my company was understanding and willing to accept me for however I showed up. That was so important to me, but it was the people that I talked to, you know, not everybody showed up on like the best positive level. Many have, and many have come around and many have learned. And I think that's important is that now I, in this area, feel like I'm one of the, like I'm the only trans. With my group of friends, I'm the only one that they know, you know, like having a big population, they're either hidden or I just haven't found them yet in my area. So I think I had the confidence to be myself, whatever that looks like. But hitting it like I did when I had my suit on for the first time took time. And I think patience is the hardest thing that you can tell somebody going through a transitional period, especially in the beginning because I was still a woman, I still talk like a woman, I still look like a woman, but now I'm saying that my pronouns are he, him, and my name is Archer and the looks that you get and the questioning that you get and the wondering why's. Until you have a deeper voice or until you look a different way I think was a challenge every day until it was just now my confidence now and who I am now. Is because, you know, you can't see yourself when you're just walking through your daily day. So what I still feel like I look like is a woman. I still feel like I have who I used to be. And so when people look at me sometimes, or I catch myself in the mirror and I shock myself sometimes being like, that's my face now. Like that's what I look like. And it's humbling and then exciting. And it's an, it's a new, exciting every single day.

Speaker 51:48

Yeah, it must be interesting. I can't imagine because you are a beautiful man, strikingly handsome. I've also seen some pictures of you as a woman and you were a beautiful woman, right? So that must be Like you said, catch yourself going, Huh, what? Is that me? When you look in the mirror now, as you do when you are recording yourself on your videos, what is it that you see? I have a friend who does a podcast called You Are Beautiful, and it is one of my favorite podcasts because he sits down with some really cool people and has conversations with them about how they see themselves. And it's interesting to me. So I'm curious. I'm going to steal his, his quote for a second. And when you look in the mirror, like, what is it that you see now?

Speaker 2 52:38

Authentic happiness. I

Speaker 3 52:41

see myself.

Speaker 2 52:45

I was like, I don't think I've seen myself In 35 years, you know, it was always who's looking back at me. I think the best analogy that I have, and maybe you'll know what it is, is did you ever see Milan with Christina Aguilera song reflection, truly listening to the words was a song that I listened to as I grew up all the time. And it's, when will my reflection show who I am inside? And I remember saying that at like eight and 12, just looking in the being so miserable. With what looked back. And now it's kind of like, to me, I'm kind of like, Oh, my reflection will show at 35.

Speaker 53:30

I told myself I was going to cry through this. I cried through the Kate Bush one, and you totally just made me cry. Damn you. Oh gosh. It's okay. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's, and here's why, because I started this podcast because I wanted people to connect and I wanted people to maybe look at things a little bit differently than they had before. Thought about them or how they perceive them and that if we could just have conversations like we were sitting across from each other at a coffee shop and talking that we would learn a little something about each other that we might Not have known before and what's so impactful for me is to hear you because you said I Really listen intently to the conversation that you have with me and that all my guests have and when you started sharing your story As a child, he's like I had no friends. I didn't have friends. I didn't fit in I didn't fit in and several times as you kind of transitioned the story and you started talking about you now You use the words my friend or the two words my friends my friends several times Which also was very moving to me because you also find your tribe and you find your people and it doesn't mean if it doesn't matter if you have one or if you have 20 and I will tell you growing up in a big city that's got a lot of gay people. Sometimes it can be a little too gay. So you gotta find your balance. So maybe where you're at is the perfect place that you're at right now, right? To be you. I am so grateful to you for being here and I thank you for your time. I hope you'll come back another time and have a conversation. I'm, I'm just blown away by you and I just am so grateful and you have a friend. Okay. You have another friend. You have a friend in California now too, so it's all good So I have a question. And then I'm going to read you a quote. It's going to make because we're going to end on a happy note. And me not crying. So if you could, I asked them, I guess, if you could go back to that little girl, and say one thing to them about what their life would be like now, what would you say?

Speaker 2 55:34

You have me on one thing.

Speaker 55:35

One thing.

Speaker 2 55:39

I, it might be two. Okay. Give me two, two things. Give me two things. I would tell her, thank you for being so strong and to be patient. Everything's gonna be okay. I mean, I think it's better than okay at this point in my life. I think it's better than okay. And I think if she could hear that because I still, I still value who I was because I know without her and her strength, I would not be Archer today. And I think that's the something that I find unique within myself. I know a lot of people don't want to associate. I have to. Because she didn't drive off the road that night. Archer wasn't around yet. So without her strength, I wouldn't be here.

Speaker 56:38

Wow. Her strength has brought us a really wonderful human being. So thank you for sharing that. Thank you. Again, it's been a pleasure spending some time with you and I think we'll do this again for sure, but I'm going to end on this quote. I was flipping through your Instagram because this is just the epitome of you and your smile and your energy and your just beautiful lightness. But you were lip syncing. I'm not going to do it justice. I'm just going to read it. But it says, and then we're going to close with this because this is just the epitome of you. It says, baby, I will separate glitter on the ground after the pride parade in New York with tweezers or my tongue before I let your opinion. Of me stress me out that is going on a t shirt on a wall in my office, in my studio, because that my friend is the pity of you. So I'm going to leave it there. Thank you so much for being here and thank you for being you. Okay.

Speaker 2 57:42

Thank you. I'm very honored that you had me come on. It was a privilege.

Speaker 57:46

My pleasure. And, and, and privilege for me. Thank you for letting me be the kind of first opportunity that you've actually shared that full story. It's the first of many. So to our listeners, thank you for being here as well. We appreciate you. And just remember to go out there to just do you be yourself, make a difference, make a connection, and maybe just maybe learn something new about the people that are in your life that you didn't know before, because I guarantee you in inquiring into their lives and what makes them so special and unique will make a difference in yours. Thanks for being here.

58:19

All right, everyone. Thank you again for joining us on today's episode. I hope our conversation resonated with you like it did me, and I cannot wait to sit down with you all again next week. Remember to subscribe to the Just You Podcast on your favorite platform so you can make sure not to miss a new episode, which drop every Thursday. If you like what you hear, you can easily share the podcast and episode Directly with your friends. And if you would rate us and leave us a review, we'd love to hear from you. You can also follow us on Instagram at just do you pod. As you go out into the world today, remember to just do you. All right. Talk next week.